Creating a Culture of Kindness

Remarks from Michael Ronco (Lead Advisor, Class of 2011)
9th grade class meeting, May 13, 2008

There are a few things I remember from my high school and middle school experiences. The memories I have revolve around joy and sadness. Usually the joys had something to do with sports or girls and the sadness had to do with the way people treated each other.

I was and am an Italian through and through and I went to school were I was called, among other things I can’t say now, "guinea," "WOP," "garlic eater," and "greasy immigrant." On one occasion in 7th grade homeroom – when the teacher wasn’t looking - one of the kids who taunted me the most hit me in the bad of the head with his math text book as he said, “Italian fag." My eyes teared up . . I opened my desk . . . put my head behind it . . .and cried. By the afternoon my head stopped hurting, but my ears still rang with the slur he uttered. I learned early on that in fact sticks and stones can break bones – and names hurt forever.

Those of you who know me understand that I like to be silly, play around, and joke. What I have learned is that it is difficult sometimes to know when to stop joking and playing, and when to start being serious. This is an important lesson for all of us. We all have made mistakes – but there comes a time when we must act respectfully, maturely, honestly, and courageously.
Over the last few months it has become obvious to the community that although we are a class a full of wonderful and productive people, we are also prone to moments of cruelty, meanness, and hatred. Let me be very clear here: I do not think there are people in this room who are mean, cruel and hateful - but we are all prone to acts of meanness, cruelty, and hatred.

These moments can take the form of excluding others, texting, emailing or posting hurtful statements, calling someone a name which causes pain or hurt, or simply not being nice or our peers. Over time, the culture of a group of people can become mean. I do not want to live in or work in a culture of meanness.

For those of you who don’t know Coach Jon Lantzy, our new lacrosse coach (who by the way – is doing wonderful things this season with our team) was once the assistant coach for the number one Duke lacrosse team a few years ago until his entire college coaching career was ruined by the actions of others. His entire future as a college coach disappeared. I spoke to him a few weeks ago about this and told him I was sorry that all happened. He looked at me and pointed to my watch and said, “Which way does your watch run? Mine only goes forward – I can’t get it to go backwards – I can only effect my future with strong character and care.”

I thought of those words a few days ago while I was putting this together and I want to all to remember those words. Our clocks only move forward. Many times we need to forget the past and make carve new directions for ourselves. Although it is much harder to rebuild a reputation, it is very doable.

I would like to challenge everyone in this room today in two ways. First, to rethink your role as a classmate, a friend, an enemy, a teammate. Who is in your group of friends? Who don’t you say hello to intentionally? Whom do you exclude? At whom do you throw verbal barbs? And I would like to just say "stop." Stop. You cannot turn the clock back, but you can be kind, or at least not mean.

The second challenge is to be courageous. Most people in this room neither get bullied or are bullies, but most people in this room have seen it happen to others. I challenge each one of you to be active and help those who are being picked on, excluded, bullied, or harassed. Please do not allow this culture to become one that allows meanness. If you cannot speak to the people who are acting badly, speak to an adult who will help you make a difference.

I would like to read from the hand book the statement about bullying – [Upper School Handbook, page 14.

What we all must do now is change our behavior. Those who are silent bystanders must speak up. Those who are being targeted must speak out to adults for help. And those who are behaving outside of the rules of kindness and decency must stop now. The adults and leaders in the community are committed to nurturing a safe environment, and we will work diligently to end this type of behavior.

Finally, we know this issue is very complicated for some, but we also know that we can all choose to behave with character, decency, kindness, and care. Today – when you leave this room – please act toward everyone with character, decency, kindness, and care.